Coming to a Cinema Near You: When Books Go Bad

2008 brings with it two films which may not get most pulses racing, but has me palpitating in nervous excitement. Two of my all-time favourite novels, Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar and J.M. Coetzee's Disgrace are both making their way to the big screen, and I couldn't be happier. There's not much talk about how either film is shaping up at the moment, but so far I'm completely satisfied with one of the key decisions in staying faithful to a novel; casting. David Lurie and Esther Greenwood, the protagonists of Disgrace and The Bell Jar respectively, will be brought to life by the amazing John Malkovich and severely underrated Julia Stiles, and in my opinion those involved in securing these individuals deserve a pat on the back. Both are perfect for these meaty roles and I'm sure they can pull it off. Hell, they even look the part, with Stiles sporting a fairly Bell Jar look in 2003's Mona Lisa Smile (left) and John Malkovich in an on-screen shot (right).

But then again, looking at Hollywood's track record when it comes to adapting truly great novels to the screen, perhaps I should be a little more worried about my beloved books. Some of my other favourites have, after all, been absolutely and irrevocably decimated by their celluloid counterparts. Here's my list of the top 5 awful film adaptations;

1. The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Yeah, Yeah. I know that Disney is for kids, but why did they even bother? This film, which I actually loved when young enough to not understand what had been done to the plot, ends with the dashing Phoebus falling in love with gypsy Esmerelda, encouraged by the lonely yet content hunchback of the title. Victor Hugo's book, however, goes a little differently. Well, a lot differently actually. Phoebus dies. Esmerelda dies. Quasimodo? You guessed it. He actually crawls into a ditch and perishes in misery and isolation. Surely Disney would have been better off with a novel that actually ends happily?
2. Mrs Dalloway - One of the best novels written in the 20th century becomes one of the worst films I have ever had the misfortune of receiving free with the Daily Mail. The faultless Vanessa Redgrave tries her best but ultimately fails to get to grips with the eponymous party thrower, while the Septimus subplot is neither compelling nor sympathetic. I was practically willing him to jump out of the window earlier.
3. The Great Gatsby - Not the excellent 1974 version, but the TV movie from 2000. This film isn't great, but there's one thing that makes it awful; Toby Stephens is not Gatsby. He just isn't. There are no words to justify why this is the case as no one ever invented words for such a seemingly unlikely casting choice. RENT THE OLD ONE.
4. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - The franchise may have come on in leaps and bounds, but this is still shit, failing to capture the pure magical charm of Rowling's book. Also, it's just so infuriating to see gems like Julie Walters and Maggie Smith restricted to about fifteen seconds of screen time each.
5. Enduring Love - I'm not a massive fan of Ian McEwan, but it's a good 'un nonetheless. On paper, this book enthralls at every turn, making the reader question Joe's very sanity. On film, all subtlety floats away faster than the red hot air balloon of the traumatic opening, and we are left with nothing but two supremely weak performances from the usually excellent Daniel Craig and Samantha Morton.
   

We must pray that these great books go the way of The Hours, Lord of the Rings and Pride and Prejudice, all excellent adaptations, and resist the heinousness of such attrocities to human sight.